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Is there such thing as good grief?

Come with me as share my journey through the recent losses I’ve experienced, my thoughts on death and grief, a hopefully a little insight into where I can hopefully take my business in the future.

One thing I have heard a lot lately is that everyone grieves differently. Some people shut down, some cry inconsolably, some turn to humor, some turn to memories to fill the gap left, while others turn to unhealthy coping methods. It’s essential to recognize and respect the unique ways in which individuals process grief. Each person’s emotional response is shaped by their personality, past experiences, and support system. For some, retreating into solitude provides a necessary space for reflection, while others find solace in sharing memories and stories with loved ones. Try and remember to be mindful of how others grieve. Nothing helps grief more than love, acceptance and time.

Nanny

I have been so blessed in my life to have been to very few funerals, and even fewer funerals of close family members. This has since unfortunately changed. In October of 2023 I lost my favorite person on the planet, my grandma who we lovingly dubbed Nanny. She was funny, loving and had a great sense of humor. She always made sure she listened to everything you said, she made sure you felt loved.

One of my favorite memories of her is when I was a little kid she would secretly give me a loonie ( a Canadian dollar coin) and say not to tell my sister. I felt so special, I would wait all day until we piled into the car and I would whip out my loonie to instigate a fight with my younger sister. Except, she too would be whipping out her loonie. She would always say that I was her favorite Kylla, which is funny because I also heard her say this to all the grandchildren using their names as to make sure we all knew we were her favorites.

Last year, we received the devastating news that she had cancer. The diagnosis indicated that it was already in a later stage, but the doctors offered hope, assuring us that treatment could potentially extend her life. Despite this glimmer of hope, I found it challenging to keep in touch as much as I knew I should. The thought of hearing her voice, filled with defeat and sadness, became unbearable. I couldn’t bear the idea of her sensing our own sorrow, and I regret not reaching out more frequently.

She had always been so concerned about my sister and me, and knowing that weighed heavily on her mind was both heartwarming and frightening. The last thing I wanted was to disappoint her. But in the face of such heartache and impending loss, I found myself at a loss for words. What do you say to someone who holds such a special place in your heart, knowing that their time is limited? How do you express the depth of your love and gratitude, while also conveying the pain of the imminent separation?

As I grappled with these questions, I realized that the most important thing is to speak from the heart. It’s not about finding the perfect words or having all the answers. It’s about sharing your love, expressing your gratitude for the impact they’ve had on your life, and assuring them that they will always hold a cherished place in your heart. It’s a time for reassurance, for sharing treasured memories, and for creating more moments of connection, however brief they may be.

She took a turn for the worse late last 2023 and died on a Monday in October. I giggle cause we would talk about how much we hated Mondays, they were the worst day seconded by Sunday. It was my first death experience, I had never been with anyone who has passed. I was so blessed that it was hers, she was there my first day and I was there for her last.

Grandma Sue

All while this is happening with my Nanny, my other grandmother, Grandma Zoo (Sue) was diagnosed with a rare throat cancer. Grandma Zoo was spunky, listened to amazing music and loved to sew. Grandma Sue and I weren’t the closest, it was only when I had my children that she came to visit me and would check in more regularly. I visited with her between Christmas and New Year of 2022 and realized she really wasn’t doing well. With her living three and a half hours away our family felt helpless until we were able to help her move closer. It was then that I was able to spend priceless quality time with her. I watched her fix sewing machines like it was nothing, we sat and talked or just enjoyed companionable silence. It was harder for her to talk, slower to get her sentences out as the throat cancer had advanced so quickly, for she decided against any sort of treatment.

I was able to take the time to ask her all the questions I could think of. I was able to ask her the questions that make people cringe, like how do you want to die? Are you afraid of dying? Do you feel like you are leaving with regrets? She answered all my questions and reflected some back to me, if she didn’t have an answer for me that time she would later message me with her final thoughts on the subject. We managed to talk through her fears of dying as her thoughts on the afterlife and if there was one.

When she passed away in January the only thing we couldn’t manage to check off her list was the date in which she died as she passed one day earlier than she wanted. I know without a doubt that while she wanted to go on a specific date, she is not upset that she went one day earlier, as she was surrounded by the ones she loved with no regrets. One day before she was able to send messages to people conveying her love and gratitude for them being in her life and to say goodbye. She was gifted something so rare, something thought about and wished upon by so many. Isn’t that beautiful?

Grief

Through my recent experience with death, I’ve discovered that humor is my method of grieving. I use jokes to bring a smile to people’s faces. While grieving, it’s important to find the silver lining, the small moments in your day that bring you joy. I never expected my coping mechanism to be humor. I was certain that I would spiral into anorexia or depression. It turns out, I’m much stronger than I thought. Yes, I shed many tears. I should have invested in a tissue company with the number of times I’ve wiped away tears or blown my nose.

I leaned into the sadness, I leaned into the happiness. I made sure to sit down and really be in the present moment and really feel my feelings. All the while knowing the feeling will pass, as my Nanny always said, “This too shall pass”. In leaning into all the feelings I was feeling in the moment I was able to really go through them and move onto the next phase of my grieving process. I can now smile when I think of them instead of tearing up, I am getting there.

I once saw this video on grief, it was able to explain grief better than anything I’ve ever read or seen. Every time I thought I was about to go off that deep end, because even though you lean into the feelings and know they too shall pass there are darker moments. When I felt like I was sliding into those moments I thought about this video. It made me realize there isn’t necessarily and end to grief, but an end to sad all consuming grief. What is left at the end is good grief, it does exist, it is out there, just give yourself love, surround yourself with a great support system, and time.

Next Steps

Going through all this, I’ve realized that while being a Life Coach is a dream of mine, I now know what my purpose is; being an End Of Life Doula calls to my soul. Helping people and their families through these hard times is my calling. Making sure that people who are at the end stages of their lives are listened to and ensuring they have someone they can talk to without prejudice is essential. Sometimes having a nonbiased partisan in the room when such difficult topics are discussed among family members helps everyone involved. Not everyone grieves the same way, not everyone can mentally prepare the same way.

I also realized that there is a lack in my region of people who are there before, during, and after for the families of the deceased. Once I am able to complete my education in making this dream real, I have so many ideas on how to help my community through such hard times.

There is no right way to grieve (with healthy coping mechanisms). Everyone’s journey through grief looks different and doesn’t have the same time line. Give yourself the time you need, the space you need, seek help if you are unable to cope in a way that doesn’t hurt you physically or mentally. Thank you so much for reading through my post. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to sit with me and read some of my experiences. Remember to eat something today. Don’t forget to treat yourself like you would your best friend. You are you best friend as you live with you the longest. You deserve it.